So much ANGER........

I don't know how ones emotions can go from one extent to the other in very little time WITHOUT any medication! Today has been busy. I have been on the phone and computer all day. I use to like it like this, until I started having heart attacks and taking weird medicines. haha. I have been so short (no pun intended) with people today and easily angered for no apparent reason. What is wrong with me? I have always been what I thought to be depressed. And I mean this with all sincerity. I am not looking for sympathy or atta boys or anything in life other than happiness and the truth. I think I have an idea of what has bothered me all of my life, but I am really not ready to divulge that information because now may not be the right time. I have always been a pretty funny guy and I have always made a point to make people laugh....I love that. But sometimes I think I am laughing on the outside and crying on the inside. Nature of the beast I guess. I'm not the only one to have those problems. Anyway, I start out my day by trying to be in the best mood I can be...I make people laugh here at work on a minute to minute basis, and they can attest to that, and yes, sometimes I go overboard, but for the most part I enjoy seeing people smile and laugh. But since the heart attack, with this medication that I am on, I am much more quick tempered and quite honestly, a dick. And the weird thing is, I know this...AFTERWARDS. After I say my apologies. That is not fair to anyone including myself because I cant seem to be myself anymore. Sometimes, with all of my heart, I do not want to be here anymore, anywhere, not on this earth. That's sad to say, but it sometimes is the truth. Deep down, I know that this is not what I want, I mean when I was younger, I tried it and luckily I failed. But sometimes with this depression or whatever it is, I think, 'well, maybe it would be for the best', but then I come to my senses, and I KNOW that is not what I want. But why do I think it? This blog is to write what I feel at the time and look back and see what kind of state of mind I was in and what I was doing at the time, or how my day went, but most of all, I hope it to be very therapeutic. That's what my friend told me it would be, and damn if she wasn't right! I have to admit that after I write in this blog, I do feel better. And hopefully by the grace of God, I can have my self-therapy. And maybe, just maybe, I can be the person I used to be and maybe have friends again.