The start of letting it all out.........

Well, today has been a good day so far. I just wish the sun would come out from behind all of the clouds and cheer everyone up! It seems like we haven't seen the sun in months...lol. I have been busy the last few days. Went to Nashville and seen my brother Adam. I took the girls and Jake with me and we all got to meet the band Paramore at Adam's radio station. That was pretty cool. I'm usually not into things like that, but I must say that I had a great time. I got to spend a few hours with the kids and that always makes me smile :) I have thought about my Dad the last few days. I miss him so much. I don't know if life will ever be the same without him and my father in law. I find myself sad alot and I visit the cemetery alot and talk to them both. They are buried close to each other so it's nice...I don't have to walk to far! I visit there a couple of times a month and I just sit and 'talk' to both of them. I always feel better when I leave. So much relief. I love going there, because I think it's very good for me, mentally, but in reality, I don't know what a shrink would think! lol. I miss them so much though, that's how I feel close to them...I feel like they are there listening to me. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't, but I will always continue to visit the graves, because I think of them so much every day that the pain that I carry builds up and when I go to the cemetery, it feels like a release. This weekend is going to be nice, so I would love to ride the motorcycle up there and let Dad 'see' it. haha. He loved that motorcycle so much. I don't think I could ever sell it without a clear conscious. He would probably haunt me if I did...lol. I miss him so much and I honestly never thought about him dying, until he did. I never thought about losing my Dad, hell, I never wanted to think about it. But I will say this, it has been the most pain that I have ever felt, and I hurt every minute of every day. I loved that man with every ounce of my being and the love I had for him will never fade. Well, as Forest Gump would say; thats all I have to say about that.

Better.........

Well, today has been a little better. Pretty busy but not as much stress. I can actually say that I feel good. I am learning to be a different person since the heart attack and my meds sometimes dictate what 'different' person I am becoming...lol. I have been the type of person to always hold my emotions inside and not talk about them to anyone until I blow up and do or say something stupid. That has changed a little since the heart attack. I am more easily angered and more quick tempered than before I think, and in some ways it is BAD and in some ways, I do see the good. I have to learn to manipulate the meds in working FOR me instead of against me. I have kept so many emotions built up inside of me that I think it is a good idea to vent to certain people about certain things. I am not perfect, Lord knows this, and I have never acted like I was. I have my own problems in life and I have my own demons to deal with, but I sure hate when people condemn me for things that they 'think' that I have done or said. I am a pretty easy guy to talk to and I would love if someone would ask me first instead of presuming that I am this person that I know I am not. Well anyway, the medicines are changing this...I am not scared to tell anyone how I feel anymore, no holding back anymore. It is about time that I stood up for myself and be a man. I may not become the man I want to be in a few short days, but I do have patience and I will wait it out. Some people may like the new me, some may not, but oh well, deal with it. I am so tired of people thinking that I will not defend myself or my family. That may have been true in the past to some degree, ONLY because I felt like I was being the bad guy. BUT NO MORE! I could care less what anyone thinks of me anymore. I am past that point. I love my wife and I love my kids and other members of my family that has stood by me in these difficult times the last few years. Like I said, I am not perfect, and I have made many, many mistakes, and for those mistakes, I will surely pay. Either by Karma or when my judgement day comes in front of my Lord and saviour. See, the weird thing is; I have never claimed to be perfect, but certain people that I have encountered along this journey called life think that they are. They are quick to condemn me and not look in the mirror. At least I am honest with myself. I do think that this blog is starting to be a little therapeutic, and I can say what is on my mind, and be truthful with myself about what I have been, what I am, and what I intend to be. maybe this will be the therapy that I have needed all along and maybe, just maybe.....it might help me.

So much ANGER........

I don't know how ones emotions can go from one extent to the other in very little time WITHOUT any medication! Today has been busy. I have been on the phone and computer all day. I use to like it like this, until I started having heart attacks and taking weird medicines. haha. I have been so short (no pun intended) with people today and easily angered for no apparent reason. What is wrong with me? I have always been what I thought to be depressed. And I mean this with all sincerity. I am not looking for sympathy or atta boys or anything in life other than happiness and the truth. I think I have an idea of what has bothered me all of my life, but I am really not ready to divulge that information because now may not be the right time. I have always been a pretty funny guy and I have always made a point to make people laugh....I love that. But sometimes I think I am laughing on the outside and crying on the inside. Nature of the beast I guess. I'm not the only one to have those problems. Anyway, I start out my day by trying to be in the best mood I can be...I make people laugh here at work on a minute to minute basis, and they can attest to that, and yes, sometimes I go overboard, but for the most part I enjoy seeing people smile and laugh. But since the heart attack, with this medication that I am on, I am much more quick tempered and quite honestly, a dick. And the weird thing is, I know this...AFTERWARDS. After I say my apologies. That is not fair to anyone including myself because I cant seem to be myself anymore. Sometimes, with all of my heart, I do not want to be here anymore, anywhere, not on this earth. That's sad to say, but it sometimes is the truth. Deep down, I know that this is not what I want, I mean when I was younger, I tried it and luckily I failed. But sometimes with this depression or whatever it is, I think, 'well, maybe it would be for the best', but then I come to my senses, and I KNOW that is not what I want. But why do I think it? This blog is to write what I feel at the time and look back and see what kind of state of mind I was in and what I was doing at the time, or how my day went, but most of all, I hope it to be very therapeutic. That's what my friend told me it would be, and damn if she wasn't right! I have to admit that after I write in this blog, I do feel better. And hopefully by the grace of God, I can have my self-therapy. And maybe, just maybe, I can be the person I used to be and maybe have friends again.

The Heart Attack......

The weekend goes by so quick! There usually are so many projects that I would like to start or finish, but seems like I never want to get off of the couch anymore! I know Angie wishes I would do something to get me out of her sight. I had a heart attack on March 21, of this year. A week after my 41st birthday. I still cannot believe that me of all people actually had this happen to me. And I say this because I am not that overweight (maybe 10 pounds). I do not fit 'my' idea of a 'heart attack waiting to happen'. I have seen people that look far worse than I do that I thought met the heart attack criteria more than myself, but in reality, that's not how it works. Damn. The criteria that I met was smoking (one pack a day for 25 years), and bad eating habits. I am a fast food junkie. If I could eat out every meal, then I would. It is sooo easy to stop by my favorite place in the world, Mc Donald's. Usually I got two burgers, fries and large sweet tea. Mmmmmm. Hell, I can taste it now! Anyway, I have eaten like this for 20 years consistently. Well, now I have to pay for all of those years of having bad eating habits. Damn it! I remember the heart attack(s) quite vividly. It lasted for a week. No lie. Actually my back had started to hurt at work on the days following my 41st birthday. My back had hurt so bad that It was bothering me when I walked, and therefore I couldn't hardly work. I went to my family doctor on Thursday and she told me that it was a pulled muscle, so she gave me some muscle relaxers and pain medication. I was set! I could go home and watch the NCAA basketball tournament all weekend in no pain! Or so I thought. Well, the following day after my doctor visit, my back wasn't hurting as much anymore, and not because of the meds because I quit taking those because I thought they were making my chest hurt. Anyway my chest and elbows hurt so bad for three days before I finally asked Angie to take me to the emergency room. i remember her dropping me off at the ER door. I snuck a cigarette in before I walked in to the ER. That was the best cigarette....MMMMMMM, oh, and by the way, that was the last cigarette that I hope to ever have! I have NOT smoked since then, and Lord willing, I hope I never do again! Anyway, after that last cigarette I walked into the ER and told them that my chest had been hurting and they whisked me away pretty quick. The next thing I remember is that I was on a bed getting my privates shaved, wires all over me a defibrillator on the bed,(SCARY) and I still had no idea that I'd had a heart attack. Anyway, they took me into surgery and put two stints in my heart and I have to go back in July to get two more put in. Just call me stint man....haha. That was a few weeks ago. Besides not smoking, I am really trying to watch what I eat, but more than anything I think, is my stress level. My job persist of a high level of stress, and so does my personal life. And you know what? It has been like this since I can remember. My stress goes back to my childhood, which I will dive into later. But I can tell you this; at this very moment in time, I can honestly say that sometimes, I think that my life will no longer be the same. And I guess I need to suffer more. I mean, in all actuality, I've suffered my whole life, what's a few more years gonna hurt?!

I know this is new.....

Yes, I know that this blog is new, and I am quite excited to be writing my feelings down and i am sure that the first few days I will have plenty to say, and then I will disappear. I have written many things in my life, mostly the start of books, which I can never finish. I love to write about my life and what I have went through as a child, and what I continue to go through. But one thing always happens: I NEVER finish. I have never finished writing anything. Don't get me wrong..I WANT to....I just never do. Life's daily chores kind of get in the way I guess. I am not that great of a writer, although I enjoy it immensely. I have some sort of medical problem I guess, maybe ADD (Hey! That's my initals!) But seriously, I always get off of the subject that I was on. I have always thought that I had a great sense of humor. I LOVE to make people laugh and I always have. Maybe the laughter is a way to hide my pain, hell, I don't know. I have never been diagnosed with anything except a heart problem which was seven long short weeks ago, and a story that I will get into a little later, but right now I have to go....my wife says I have been on the computer too long :)

Day One......

Hello! This is the first words in my new blog! I am convinced that I have the NEED to write my feelings down in this blog so I can look at them later to see how I was feeling. (If that makes sense). I am new at this kind of thing. I have always been a private person who hides his emotions and I very rarely let anyone (including family), know what I am feeling. I have a friend who has a blog and she has Bi-polar disorder. And she is hilarious. Although I am not the writer that she is, I will try to keep everything simple so that everyone who reads this, understands how I feel. I hope this is a good medicine for me, a release if you will. Maybe a place I can write down my feelings, and get an idea of who I really am.